Posts Tagged ‘time’

Healing, in Time

April 15, 2015

Whew, has this past week ever been the most intense hormonal ride that this relatively even-keeled girl been strapped into. I’ve had considerably more downs than ups, a lot of hugs, a decent amount of alcoholic drinks, a few more cookies than likely recommended, many good, honest conversations, and a number of repressed emotions while at work. Only yesterday did I feel I had just hopped off the ride and was regaining some sense of levelheadedness.

A couple days ago I had what I can only lazily describe as the craziest PMS of my life, as I was ultrasensitive about everything. My sweet, dear husband has been taking care of so much around the house during not only the last week but also through the previous weeks when early pregnancy fatigue whipped my ass at the end of each day. I felt such guilt about it. To the point that after I went to bed early (my solution to having too many emotions), I asked him from across the room, while buried underneath the covers, “DO YOU RESENT ME???!!” When he understandably responded with an incredulous, “What?! No. Steph, come on, go to sleep,” my (thankfully) inner voice responded with, “I’M NOT CRAZY!” while a smaller, more sane, inner voice responded with, “Steph, chill the fuck out.” Yikes.

After overcoming those delightful moments and finally feeling closer to my normally cheery self, i had my first follow-up doctor’s appointment this morning. It was originally scheduled to be my first official prenatal visit, so when I checked in the girl at the front desk tried to confirm it was that appointment. I didn’t blink but only awkwardly said, “Uh, no, not… anymore…?” Luckily, she immediately understood.

When I went into the doctor’s office, we exchanged mild pleasantries as she waited for her computer to load my files. “How are you feeling?” she asked. “Oh, I’m okay. I’m still spotting a bit though. I assume that’s normal?” She was quick to reply that yes, during the first trimester spotting here and there was common and it would go away near the beginning of my second. I just stared, absolutely dumbfounded.

She totally forgot I was in here last week.

Granted we’ve only met twice, and when I came in during/after the miscarriage I spent most of my time with the ultrasound doctor, but still. Ouch.

“I… I miscarried last week,” I managed to stammer out before abruptly bursting into tears. Despite everything, despite the depth and breadth of emotions I had felt over the week, I still had not cried. But the realization that someone with whom I’m supposed to confide completely forgot this event that was so recent and so huge in my life (thus far), and that she alluded to this pregnant future that we’re not having (just yet), that caused sobbing.

The doctor immediately and clearly regretted her words, and the apprentice that was shadowing her that day squirmed awkwardly in her seat on the other side of the room. The doctor’s sympathetic face only made mine crumple more and I had to look away to try and regain composure.

The rest of the appointment was fine, concluding with the confirmation that we can try to get pregnant again soon and are doing everything right, but man. That swiftly kicked my ass out of my all-too brief “over it” reverie. I need to be at peace with the fact that this, like everything good and worthwhile, takes time.



May 11, 2009

I think it’s time that Photo of the Day became more of “Photo Every Other Day” or “Photo When I Feel Like It”. The original purpose of Photo of the Day was to give me a creative outlet while working at an absolutely uncreative temp job in an office. That job lasted only 7 weeks before I moved on to something much bigger and better, yet this blog format and my commitment to it remained.

It’s now 62 days into the project as well as my fifth week at the new gig. I’m creatively inspired and challenged almost consistently. Never mind it’s just really busy. Combine that with warming weather and the need to cram in all the outdoors time while I can (and thereby a strong distaste for sitting at a desk any longer than I have to) has made me look at the nightly photo upload more as a chore and less as something that I still truly love and enjoy. It’s at a point where I feel like only sharing photos I deem special or great, and less about the mad rush before bedtime, oh-shit-what-can-I-snap-a-picture-of-quick, fulfillment of a daily quota. It seems counter intuitive to any sort of creative process.

I will still take photos regularly, especially as I’ve grown into the habit of lugging my camera around everywhere with me. I’ll still post photos and hope to do so fairly often still. I’m unsure of the frequency. I still want to offer little colorful peeks into my daily life and living in the Gorge. I also want to go back into blogging the way I used to, when I’d rant about things, post weird videos and have less of a set structure. We’ll just have to feel this out and see what works.

I apologize if I’ve disappointed anyone, but I’m still here! Doing things! Breathing! Murdering vegetables! Stay tuned for the murky unknown…