I’m a Horrible Person

First blog for 2013! In April! Woooooooooo!

While I could kick off the second quarter of the year with something sweet and personal, I’m cutting straight to the nitty gritty, to the recesses of twisted minds, to conversations I have with my friends.

Today’s was brought on by a news headline from the Oregonian about a loyal police dog passing away from cancer. Being an animal lover, I clicked the link to read more. There I found this photo:
Image

Sweet, right? You look at him and you’re all, “You’re a good boy! Capturing criminals and chasing down perps and… OH GOD NO!” 

Because once again a happy dog photo is ruined by a happy dog dick.

Go ahead and look. I briefly contemplated zooming and cropping for further elaboration, but you have eyes and I have a conscience.

That reveal prompted this conversation with a friend of mine. We’ll call her Stacy. I apologize in advance.

Me: Am i a horrible person for seeing this story, and noticing the red rocket within 5 seconds? {link}
Stacy:  ewwwww
Me:  that’s why dog dicks ruin nice photos!
Stacy’s new status message – Stephanie:  that’s why dog dicks ruin nice photos!   
Stacy:  fair enough
Me:  hahahaha. 

glad my comment on dog dicks warranted a status message
Stacy:  thought you’d be ok with that. glad you’re on the dog penis photo beat
Me:  it’s happened to me too many times. i know to look now. you’d be surprised how many people have framed photos of dog dicks because they just didn’t notice beyond the happy dog face
Stacy:  I mean, what is the photographer supposed to say? “Sorry, but can you get your K9 to put away his schlong?” gross
Me:  i dunno, you just wait it out? splash cold water on it?
Stacy:  I would like to think I am a proficient photographer, but I have no idea how to quell a raging dog boner
Me:  i dare you to google that
Stacy:  absolutely not. i think we both know how to calm a dog boner
Me:  1. get a dog
2. he has a boner
3. ????
4. get rid of boner
5. profit
Stacy’s new status message – Stephanie:  1. get a dog 2. he has a boner 3. ???? 4. get rid of boner 5. profit  
Me:  is it a coincidence that your last name is Barker and you’re a part of this conversation? i think not
Stacy:  hahahhaha
Stacy:  Barker – noun, tender of raging dog rockets
Stacy:  Oregonlive.com – reporting breaking dog boner news
Me:  i’m sure we could make Heater work there too, but it’s a stretch and technically no longer my last name
Stacy:  yes but Duffy sounds like an apparatus a Barker would use in raging said raging dog dong
Me:  Duffy – noun: a device used by a Barker to quell canine erections during photo shoots.
Stacy:  this is so gross. i cant even quote that. but it’s so aptly put

Stacy’s new status message – Stephanie: Duffy – noun: a device used by a Barker to quell canine (censored) during photo shoots.
Stacy:  consider everyone annoyed with me

I have a far less gross, yet still crazy, dog post to share with you soon. 

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