Digital Courtship

The amount of creepy emails I receive from dudes has gone down considerably since I’ve been in a relationship and I no longer troll the webs for the weirdest dates possible. Granted, the weird part wasn’t exactly part of my plan as Single Steph, but that’s how most of them turned out. Nonetheless, I haven’t had to ignore or verbally ridicule anyone via email in a long time. Quitting Myspace was probably also a factor there.

Now that I’m quite publicly an old married lady, that happens even less. So to my eternal delight, a random dude from my high school days started sending me the most verbose, eloquent, and woo-worthy emails of all time on Facebook.

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Did you see when he took the extra effort and doubled his word usage? Wow-ee! Where did my pants go? I read these and all of a sudden I’m naked from the waist down.

Keep in mind I barely know this person. Haven’t seen him in 12+ years. We now live in different countries. Never spoke in high school. Why we’re friends on FB in the first place is beyond me, other than that surge in 2007 or 2008 when Canada finally “got” Facebook and everyone from my adolescence joined en masse, a flurry of faces from the past coming across my friend requests.

But the best part? The last two of those romantic emails came this week, back to back. Let’s take a look at what my profile page looks like right now.

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In case you can’t read that giant red type (which he might not be able to either, if it was on my page), I AM MARRIED. THAT IS ME, THE LADY YOU’RE EMAILING, ON MY VERY RECENT WEDDING DAY.

But no, go ahead, I’m here waiting for your next email with bated breath. Still pantsless.

Also in the realm of digital dating, my best friend Pat (who is in that wedding pic between the ‘a’ and the ‘w’) is looking to create an online dating profile. He and I texted back and forth for ages last night, trying to come up with a good username for him. Not too boring or basic, not super nerdy, being mildly funny or interesting, possibly a conversation starter. I can’t repeat all of our suggestions here because we go off the rails, but here are some highlights:

Babybananahammock
Leatherdaddy82
Slothzilla (“because a rampaging sloth is both impractical and hilarious”)
Patypus
Patacular
CabbagesAndDreams
Sleep4ever
Patrick Gosling
Patrocious
FunnyBone
ICP4Lyfe
PatasaurusRex
Gothguy666
ShartedBarf
Patom Bomb
Patetration
Altarboy69
Stainz
Ilovetits
PickledPeen
PrayForMojo
Sexpanther
StarshipPoopers
PushupsBro
VaginaNinja
WearingPants
NotWearingPants
Commander Salamander
CuteNewt
Pastagram
KeyboardPat
Rawdogginit
TheJacketInDrive
AstroDinosaur

Last I heard, he still hasn’t picked one.

 

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