How to Lose Weight, Make a Million Dollars, Shit Rainbows

Everyone has at least one, if not more on their social networking friends list. They’re people you know from high school or college or the son of the manager at your favorite restaurant or that one person you always see at the same parties. The one that somehow “hit rock bottom” and “turned themselves around” with a “revolutionary new product” that will make you look 50 years younger, your sex life propels into another stratosphere, you shit rainbows, your ass disappears (pssst… the rainbows hide it), you become a millionaire and life is suddenly worth living again. All you have to do is subscribe to ten newsletters, invade the homes of your friends and family to shell out this magic product, attend a bunch of shitty inspirational conferences littered with poorly designed Powerpoint presentations, pay $160/month in bunk ass products and this new, incredible, gosh-I-can’t-believe-it life is YOURS!

That’s right, they’ve become another asshole brick in a thinly veiled pyramid scheme.

The thing that almost irks me more than often uber expensive healthy living scams is that these people, those acquaintances (or, you sorry bastard, your family) are actually trying to improve their life and others. Their status updates are nothing but inspirational quotes and pictures. The over-usage of the Papyrus font is staggering in the inspirational picture genre. THEY’RE JUST TRYING TO HELP. So you can’t exactly deride them for improving the world right? Because that makes you the cynical asshole?

I abstain most of the time. But sometimes the delusion, blatant misinformation and bogus science has me smoking up my keyboard with barely contained, high pressure loathing. There are several on my list so you can imagine the incredible willpower I’ve developed. I heard a study recently that the happiest people are often the most delusional, and I think that certainly applies here. Putting all your health and happiness into products that were invented by these “real people” (read: white dude sitting in a mansion, tan as shit, impeccable smile, hates his wife, bones the maid, pays off spokescelebrities) who play off of your need to believe and have you spend all your time growing their empire of lies so you all can “HELP PEOPLE.”

You know what will truly help people’s health and happiness and cost 100% less?

Eat (real) food. Not too much. Mostly plants. (thank you Michael Pollan) That and fucking MOVE MORE. Drink some water. That’s it. That’s your billion dollar idea right there, and all it takes is a trip to the grocery store and getting up off your ass.

It might not make you a million dollars, but then again you might become hot enough to land a millionaire whose swimmable vault of money (I’m lustily eying you, Scrooge McDuck) came directly from his own healthy living pyramid scheme.

Scrooge McDuck


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4 Responses to “How to Lose Weight, Make a Million Dollars, Shit Rainbows”

  1. On Healthy Eating and Living, Paleo Style « Madam von Sassypants Says:

    […] who invented it are making money off of copyrights and meal plans and workout regimes. There are no pyramid schemes (except for that handy dandy food pyramid up there). And it’s not so much a fad diet as it is […]

  2. Christa Carr Says:

    i know a similar (the same) a-hole. and i had to finally delete that ish from my facebook, cause it was just all so contrived.

    you are right… eat real food and get off your ass. there isn’t a magic coffee blend in the world that will make you happier, younger, or healthier.

  3. madamvonsassypants Says:

    Hahaha, I’m so glad you know one of the people I’m referencing! I have a couple others as well. I’ve blocked most of their updates just because the onslaught of misinformation and Gandhi quotes was driving me bonkers.

  4. Anwar Says:

    Wait so I wont be able look 50 years younger? Damn I bet those Nigerian princes have been lying to me too!

    Yeah its funny how often people expect some secret cure for everything. I lost a good deal of weight last year and someone asked me in the summer, like wow, what’s your secret I want to lose 30 lbs too. I was like well I started eating healthier, smaller meals more often and I’ve been lifting 3 days a week and running 3 other days a week. They just kinda said oh and walked away after that…

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