Lohan, oh Lohan

Advice from one more person who thinks you’re a fucking nutjob:

  1. Accept responsibility that you’re a dumb bitch.
  2. Realize that despite what enablers tell you, you’re a horrible actress. You would have done okay if you stopped time and forever remained 12 years old (or, from the opinion of my boyfriend and all dudes I know, Means Girls era Lohan), but you’re unfortunately not a wizard or genius.
  3. Stop taking drugs already. That includes illegal and legal drugs. Probably quit the hooch, too.
  4. Move the shit out of Hollywood. Get away from your crazy ass parents, maybe take your siblings with you so they can also decompress and decontaminate, and support them like a mother bird in the middle of the rain forest. But one that’s far away from drug lords. That fictional island in The Expendables would work nicely. Hey, if you climb to the top of those really big trees, you could maintain your tan!
  5. Maintain jungle life for at least 3 years. I’ll thankfully forget about you, you’ll learn valuable real world skills (having someone else design knee pad leggings for you is no longer a job!), and hopefully come out of this a more well rounded person that’s not an attention-starved slut monkey. Nope, just a nice jungle monkey.
  6. If you insist, make a triumphant return to Hollywood completely reformed, at peace and a healthy weight, with no more lip injections or paparazzi-paid outings to night clubs.  Do a press circuit, make a movie (if you actually can act, although at that point people would probably give you gigs sans skills), maybe even win an award. In your acceptance speech, thank the jungle monkeys, the judge who sentenced you, and the dedicate all your money toward saving the rain forest.
  7. The End.
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