You Deserve a Break Today: R. Kelly

Today’s You Deserve a Break Today goes out to R. Kelly, who was recently awarded $3.4 million for some crap that has to do with a tour last year. Yes, the dude with a penchant for pissing on underage girls (before, during, or after boning them?) still galavants about town, making millions, singing about being trapped in a closet and I’m sure still takes in a minor or two. Did you know he also believes he can fly?

So, why R. Kelly deserves a break today? Because he’s the 2000s lesser OJ. Sure, OJ killed a couple people, went on a highly-publicized, lengthy trial (oh! don’t forget the infamous chase in the white Bronco that interrupted me watching Family Matters), was found not guilty, and spent his years up until today being the guy who “didn’t” (wink wink, nudge, nudge) do it. Now he’s been convicted of a far less grisly crime and looks at doing some serious time in the clink.

R. Kelly just boned some teenagers and engaged in some harmless water sports. Ah, and lest we forget, he married Aaliyah when she was FIFTEEN. He had known her since she was TWELVE. Her album they were “working on” was titled Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number (and yes, I did own it). The lead single was called “Back and Forth”. You see where I’m going here. That’s without discussing the other charges of lewd conduct with a minor, child pornography, etc. etc. etc. Basically, the dude is a little fucked up with his wang. He also endured lengthy court battles and came out unscathed when it seemed pretty damn obvious he was guilty.

The point being, R. Kelly is in that middle, eye-of-the-storm period that OJ so lavishly enjoyed for 13 years. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if R. Kelly shopped a book titled If I Did Fuck and Piss on a Fourteen Year Old Girl within the next five years or so.

So R. Kelly, enjoy your break today. Because you’re going to fall upon the fate of Orenthal James and do some stupid shit in a few years and THEN you’ll have your ass handed to you. Guaranteed there will be a few dudes in prison who would absolutely giggle at the chance to make you their private, singing urinal.

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2 Responses to “You Deserve a Break Today: R. Kelly”

  1. Patrick Says:

    Little known fact: Singing + Liquid Waste = Gargling. The ancient Greeks thought that gargling “salt water” cured a sore throat, but then again, they applied leaches and put animal shit on open wounds too. However, through several language translations, the “salt water” slang term was lost, and the term began to be taken literally. Hence the practice of today.

    Today’s etymology lesson is brought to you by the Smurfs! Who remind you that if you say Gargamel with marbles in your mouth, it sounds like “Gargle Mel” which they find hilarious.

  2. markhirose Says:

    You failed to mention his musical drama Trapped In The Closet: Chapters 1-36. They can be purchased in DVD form or can be viewed via YouTube. Very entertaining.

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