Status Updates: A Study

In these ever-evolving times of Web 2.0, social media networks, instantaneous information absorption and the nuclear-like preponderance of microwavable burritos, the opportunity to constantly know what your friends and acquaintances are thinking, feeling, doing, and touching is limited only by 140 characters.

Whered he hide the mouse? Heyyyy... wait, are you 18?

Where'd he hide the mouse? Heyyyy... wait, are you 18?

While I still believe that Twitter sucks balls, at the very least the constant flow of status updates on the more purposeful Facebook and Myspace is a never ending source of entertainment. A wide spectrum of human experience from listless ennui to passive aggressive tirades parade down my screen every day. People I barely remember from high school, former coworkers, guys I dated in college, a chick I met once and haven’t seen since, friends I talk to every day… I know about YOU ALL. To freaky extents that never existed a mere 10 years ago.

The worst (and thereby the most entertaining) update is the “I HATE DRAMA!” (drama-filled) Status. Usually a passive aggressive shout out to “YOU KNOW WHO!”, these people call out someone publicly, often with excessive punctuation and typos. They also make themselves look like absolute douchebags in the process. Here are a few examples plucked from my own friends’ lists (names changed to protect the innocent):

“Jen wishes her friends wouldn’t lie to her face!!!!!”

“Katy thinks some people should jus mind their own damn bizness!”

“John is tired of this bullshit.. GROW THE FUCK UP!”

You know kids, confrontation can actually be a beneficial thing sometimes. As is the power of SILENCE. Try to find a better balance between the two. In the meantime I’m mocking you behind your back.

If you know Facebook, then you know to read from the bottom up.

If you know Facebook, then you know to read from the bottom up.

Next is the Update About Nothing. These are the people that find the need to microblog every single stinking moment of their seemingly monotonous and inane lives. You still read them mainly because they make you feel better about yourself (or maybe that’s just me), but that sentiment just barely outweighs the desire to claw your own eyes out with stylus pens. Examples:

“Steve is awake.”

“Janell is watching TV!”

“Gaby just ate a cookie! Yeah!”

“Zach is up late on IM tonight! Someone message me!”

Ok, so that last one didn’t quite qualify but is just as pathetic. But thanks for making my night of watching vice presidential debates and making soup look infinitely more interesting.

Then there are the Song/Movie/Television/Something Popular Quote Updates. God forbid you form your own words to express your sentiments, now do so quickly in a format easily recognizable by your peers! I won’t even show examples, but I’ve seen quotes from the (predictable) likes of Dave Matthews Band, Bon Jovi, Scarface, the Hills, Flava Flav, and iPod commercial songs.

I HATE YOU COLDPLAY.

I HATE YOU COLDPLAY.

Those are merely the first notable examples I came across today. Please let me know of any other examples you’d like to share! In the meantime I’m going to eat a cookie. And then go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. Then maybe watch a little TV. And go to sleep around 11:10pm. See you right when I wake up!

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3 Responses to “Status Updates: A Study”

  1. interestingguy Says:

    “Joe’s relationship status has changed. Joe is single”
    “Joe is in a relationship with Jack Daniels”

  2. theleastinterestinggguyyoullknow Says:

    Things I hate to see when I log into Myspace/Facebook:

    “Okay, I’ll admit to writing this blog that no one’s heard of in a shameless act of self promotion! You got me, all you, you curious and clueless fans, you!”

    “Stephanie has un-friended Justin”

  3. madamvonsassypants Says:

    Justin, the reason I love both you and Pat is that neither of you ever hesitate to call me on my bullshit. Thank you, good sir, for scraping my colorfully-smeared ego off of the ceiling.

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