"Artistic interpretation" and the actual, neurotic Nora

Nora, the beautiful but permanently befuddled Polish Crested chicken, has a problem with logic. She won’t sleep in the chicken coop at night with the other chickens. She’d rather sit on the roof, in the rain, in the wind, in the frost, than roost inside the warm coop each night. The next morning her normally fluffy feather bouffant is soggy, sad looking side part.

We have serious doubts she will last the winter (although she is lucky this is a fairly mild climate) because she’s just that dumb. The coop isn’t too crowded, the other hens stopped picking on her months ago, but still. She unnecessarily tortures herself. So we’ve resorted to going out at night and “putting her to bed” by hand, and then locking the ladies in their coop for the evening to all stay warm.

A culprit KIA?

We also have a rodent problem. Some mousey buggers are burrowing holes in the chickens’ enclosure to raid their food at night. We can’t poison them because the cats like to catch the mice, traps wouldn’t be the greatest for fear of chickens or cats getting in them.  Enclosed live traps are creepy (what do you do with the mouse/mole/rat/thing after you catch it??), and the somewhat okay method we tried (floating sunflower seeds on top of a bucket of water so they jump in and drown) didn’t work. The easiest method we could come up with is putting the food in a plastic bin at night. So not only do we put the chickens to bed, but we also put their food to bed.

With the cold winter weather finally here, and some seasonal molting taking place, egg production has also dropped significantly. We went about 2-3 weeks without any eggs at all before Ruth, the black hen, finally started laying again this past weekend. Buying eggs from the store sucks, and I think the cost savings on eggs from the rest of the year will be negated during these months.

We do still love having the chickens though, and talk about at some point in the distant future that if we had chickens again, we’d definitely have more than just four. Four is small enough that it’s noticeable when one or two stop laying, and it’s easier for a certain chicken (ahem, Nora) to be very noticeably at the bottom of the pecking order. But the things are just damn funny. This morning I went out there and toss them spoonfuls of canned pumpkin. Three of them started digging in, but Ruth, the sassypants that she is, sniffed at it, balked, and then walked over to me and clucked like, “FUCK THIS SHIT, WHERE ARE MY NOODLES?”

They love noodles.

As I’ve gotten older though, it’s starting to make a little more sense. Now that I’ve graduated school (um, almost 7 years ago now) and have had time to establish myself as an actual, real adult, there’s a broad span of decades before me left to chart out. I’ve got a great job, a career path in mind, a rad life partner to whom I’m almost 8 months away from swearing my life, a health and fitness regime that’s working well, and a pretty ideal life in the city, chickens, cats and all. So what’s left? Where do I fine tune the details? I guess this is where my resolutions take shape.

• Keep track of what I cook.
  Not for the sake of monitoring carbs/calories/nutrients/whatever, but because I often forget the delicious meals I’ve made in the past and end up making them only once. Interesting food combinations, meals we say would be great to serve our parents or at a dinner party, ones I want to fine tune later when a different ingredient is in season… I think some kind of journaling is required here.

• January challenge: no cheats on eating paleo.
  No sugar in anything (nor any sweetener type products like agave syrup), no booze (first time I’ve made a point to not drink for an entire month), no dairy, no “just a bite” cheats, no dark chocolate squares, nothin’. I’m making penance for my holiday-induced sins and gluttony and want to start fresh.

• Take time to read more.
  I listen to audiobooks every day on my 2-hour commute, so it’s not like I’m not consuming  literature. In fact I’m just about to finish the fifth mega book in the Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire series. But I have a decent stack of books on our coffee table that I’ve only partially read, and I’m pretty sure they give me the evil side-eye every time I walk past to go work out or veg with a Hulu show or movie on Netflix.

• Carve out time each week for wedding planning.
  It’s less than 8 months away and I have some big things to accomplish, the most pressing of which is beginning AND completing the search for the all-important dress. Then there’s  caterers, a florist, rentals, Sean’s suit, the wedding party’s gear… it’s a lot of stuff that I’ve been vague about thus far because the wedding seemed so far away. Time to git crackin’.

• Continue having Active Sundays with Sean.
  Almost every week for the past couple months we’ve made a point to do something active together on Sundays. Oftentimes they’re different than our usual workouts. Hikes, trying new fitness classes, exploring a neighborhood, random circuits in the nearby park… It’s a fun way to not be complete slugs on an appealingly lazy day, and doing so together.

• Be better about doing the dishes.
  I love to cook, but I hate doing dishes. Compounded by our lack of dishwasher in this house (something we didn’t realize until the day we moved in), our busy schedules, and our small kitchen, and it’s easy for the room and us to be overwhelmed with the work to be done. We’ve been on top of it lately and it’s felt great. I’d love to continue that.

• Foster better relationships with people and strive to have more intimate events.
  Our groups of friends often end up only getting together in large groups via massive event invitations on Facebook. We say hi, comment on the costume we’re usually wearing (we’re a group that enjoys a good costume party), have a few moments to chat, and then we’re all drunk and the photos posted online contain more memories than what I can actually recall. Lately I’ve been trying to have smaller gatherings with more meaningful conversation or activities (even some without booze), and they have been great.

• Maintain a creative outlet.
  Namely with graphic design, as my job doesn’t require too much out of the ordinary and I need to keep myself sharp and sane.

• Maintain freelancing gigs.
  Right now I have a steady social media freelancing job, and I want to continue that as well as create new opportunities. Plus that extra money is going directly into wedding savings.

• Plan our honeymoon.
  We’re looking at heading to Rome for a couple days before flying to the Italian island of Sardinia for a week or so for our honeymoon. I’ve done a lot of initial research (and I’ve been to Rome before), but final arrangements need to be made. In light of that, also…

• Take a refresher course in Italian.
  At one point in my life I was near fluent, but that was 8 years ago and only the basic sentences remain. I need to go back through my books and utilize Rosetta Stone.

See below for the lengthy email. Please note that a few sentences were taken straight off of Robb Wolf or Mark Sisson’s websites, so I’m not claiming their words as my own. What I am claiming is that the information, and my use of the word “currying,” are all awesome.

…

Alright, here’s your custom guide to paleo livin’! It’s based upon what I’ve read and what I’ve experienced over the past several months. What I usually do is find some recipes I want to cook for us for the week, and make a corresponding shopping list. I definitely choose recipes that I think will offer more bang for your buck in terms of leftovers too, since that’s super important for us.

The majority of meals are:
- 4-8oz of protein, aka MEATZ. Some paleo people insist it has to be lean protein, but a lot of research has shown that’s BS. Chicken, pork, beef, lamb, turkey, eggs or seafood. Grass-fed, hormone free is the ideal, but not always financially feasible.
- Several servings of vegetables
- Good fats from avocados, olive oil, coconut oil, or a few nuts (if you’re trying to lose weight, make sure to go easy on the nuts! Also try to get raw nuts… that way they haven’t been roasted in a detrimental oil like peanut or soybean)

Limit fruit intake to one a day, if you’re looking to lose weight. Fruit, while awesome, is essentially sugar. The best fruit for your buck, nutrient and sugar wise, would be in this order: berries, melons, citrus, apples, pears. Avoid bananas, papayas and mangos, as they have a much higher carb count.

As for potatoes, use only sweet potatoes or yams, and sparingly. They have much more nutrients than other potatoes, so they make those carbs you’re consuming a little more worth it. Again though, sparingly!

Stay away from anything with grains, sugars, or legumes (including soy/edamame). No bread, rice, pasta, cookies, crackers, puddings, ice cream, waffles, juice, sodas, cereals, oatmeal, artificial sweeteners, yogurt, soy sauce, teriyaki sauce, peanut butter, canned soups, apple sauce, noodles, vegetable or seed oils…all refined, packaged foods.

Get as basic with your foods as possible and if you’re buying a packaged/processed food, read the label. Don’t pay attention to the fat content (because fat does NOT make you fat), but look at the carbohydrates and the ingredients. Sugar is hiding in so many things, as is soybean oil or wheat flour.
For fat loss, your carb intake goal is 50-100g/day. Avoid “foods” with ingredients that you can’t pronounce or have no idea what they care.

Below is a good shopping list. The meat section is roughly a week’s worth of food, if not a little more. The veggies and pantry items are more than a week, more there to show you what you CAN use and stock up on.

MEAT:
- Several packages of all natural, nitrate and nitrite free sausages. Preferably precooked but not always. These are super handy for a quick meal when you don’t want to cook a lot, or if you’re at work and just want to pop something in the microwave.
- 1-2 lbs of nitrate/nitrite free bacon. Not only for breakfasts, but can also be cut up and cooked with veggies like kale, spinach, onions, etc. Save the grease in a cup or jar in the fridge for cooking with later!
- 1-2 lbs of ground beef. Make a meatloaf, cook up in a sauce, make hamburger patties… lots of options!
- 1 rotisserie chicken. I usually buy this on my way home from work on evenings with little time for much else. I almost always make chicken stock/soup from the carcass too. The meat is usually enough for a 2-3 meals for 2 people, so again with easy leftovers.
- A roast or some chicken breasts or some other big hunk of meat to cook in the oven or crock pot, based on what recipes to be cooked that week
- A dozen eggies. Don’t worry about cholesterol with these, that shit’s bunk.
- Deli meat or natural pepperoni, for easy snacking

VEGGIES:
- Fresh kale or chard. Nutrient dense, dark leafy greens are awesome in everything. Sauteed, in a scramble, as a bed underneath meat, whatever.
- 1-2 heads of cauliflower. Super versatile! Roast in the oven with coconut oil and curry, saute with other veggies and meat, boil and mash, chop up in a food processor and cook in a pan for “rice”
- Carrots, celery, broccoli, little tomatoes. Easy snacking options.
- Squash. Any kind, but spaghetti squash, kabocha and butternut are my favorites. Lots of vitamins and nutrients, and great for currying (totally a verb), roasting, sauteeing, mashing, etc. A little more carb dense than other veggies.
- Bag o’ onions, bag o’ garlic. Essential cooking items, obviously.
- 2-3 avocados. Sometimes I’ll just eat half a ‘cado with a little bit of salt as a snack. Great on top of eggs, salads, etc.
- Frozen veggies! Especially spinach and broccoli, but also some stir fry blends. Easy to toss in a pan, or combine with a sausage or two for a quick, microwavable lunch
- Other good options are brussels sprouts, bell peppers, zucchini, spinach, mushrooms, eggplant, asparagus, cabbage, parsnips, turnips, green beans

FRUIT: (this season)
- Apples
- Citrus
- Frozen berries

PANTRY-ISH ITEMS:
- 1 jar of coconut oil. It’s solid at room temperature, so you melt it in the pan or micro to use. Super healthy and flavorful. Better for high temp cooking than olive oil
- 3-4 cans of coconut milk. Sauces, in coffee, and in a myriad of paleo recipes. Love this stuff. Full fat only, none of that reduced fat shit!
- 3-4 cans of olives. As a snack, in a sauce, in paleo steak chili.
- 3-4 cans of crushed tomatoes. Watch the ingredient label for additional sugar or other weird ingredients. Should just be straight up tomatoes.
- 1-2 cans of beets. Salads, snacking.
- 1-2 cans of pumpkin. Awesome savory sauce ingredient, or add with a little coconut milk and pumpkin pie spices (no sugar, obviously) for a treat
- Pickles
- Sauerkraut. Check the ingredients! There are kinds out there that don’t use sugar, like Bubbie’s, my favorite
- Almond butter. Use this in place of peanut butter. Watch the ingredients, and use sparingly
- Dijon mustard
- Salsa
- Balsamic vinegar
- Extra virgin olive oil
- Raw nuts (almonds, macadamia, hazelnuts)
- Seeds (like those from all that squash you’ve been eating, roasted in spices)
- 2-3 cans of tuna
- Unsweetened applesauce
- Unsweetened coconut flakes or shredded
- Chicken broth
- Butter. Grass fed, organic, preferably.
- Almond milk, unsweetened. Use in place of cow’s milk.
- Coconut or almond flour. Use in place of regular flour.

That’s it! Okay, that looks like a lot on screen, but once you get the hang of it, it’s pretty easy. Like, scary easy. The most frustration I find is eating out at restaurants or trying to find something fast on the road. You start to realize how much grains and sugars are stuffed in our faces as staples of our diet– it’s gross!

Recipe Resources:
Nom Nom Paleo. Amazing recipes here! I made her kahlua pig in the crock pot yesterday and it is SO DAMN GOOD. I was eating it out of the crock pot, it’s that good. This is by far the best and most consistent paleo recipe source on the webs, and she cooks for her husband and two little boys.
The Food Lovers Primal Palate. This is the couple who wrote the Make It Paleo cookbook I own, and they have some wonderful recipes as well.

Information Resources:
Robb Wolf’s Paleo FAQ
Mark Sisson’s Primal Blueprint Eating Guide, and the super informational and awesome How to Succeed with the Primal Blueprint page. An offshoot of that is his Primal Blueprint Fitness Guide, which you can download for free and I use regularly.
“Why I Eat Paleo” from Fitbomb (husband of Nom Nom Paleo). Well spoken, researched and linked.

Inspiration Resources:
Mark Sisson’s Reader-Submitted Success Stories. I love these! He publishes a new one each Friday.

If you have questions just let me know! This is a basic approach to paleo/primal eating. If you want to get sciencey about it, or learn more about the fitness aspect, the informational resources above are great starts, and I own books by both Wolf and Sisson.

It’s an awesome way to live, and I hope you guys get as much out of it as we have!  Love you!

But this. Man, I love everything about this.

A couple liters of soda. Boxes of popsicles. Two containers of frosting-loaded cupcakes. Chips. And to top it all off, a couple boxes of microwavable Healthy Choice meals. Even if it was for a kid’s birthday party… OH HELL NAW.

I’ve been eating and living 90% paleo for almost 3 months now. I’ve lost something around 17lbs, and have actually been working out LESS. Less! I have more energy. I don’t have that 3pm drag like I used to. I don’t have crazy food cravings. I sleep like a rock. Overall I simply feel fantastic.

(Click to see larger image)

I’ve cut all grains (minus the occasional beer because, hey, I work for a craft brewery and get it for free), sugars, legumes and most dairy. Hardly any processed food touches my plate. I eat lots of good meats, eggs, vegetables, healthy fats (god I love avocados), a small amount of fruit and the occasional chunk of cheese. Also, a big word: BACON. Pro tip: New Seasons’ bacon is outstanding.

Sean isn’t full paleo but of course he eats whatever I cook, and he’s even felt the affects of a change in diet. Stronger, more noticeable muscle definition, and overall feeling better. He was hesitant toward the change, mainly in regard to our monthly grocery costs, but thus far it seems like we might actually be spending less. I’m planning recipes ahead of time and making bigger meals that offer more leftovers for lunches and that keep us fuller, longer.

I’ve never really eaten “poorly” to begin with. I’ve never been a soda drinker, always cooked relatively low fat meals, ate a lot of fresh produce, watched my calories, ate whole grains and black beans, avoided high fructose corn syrup, and even bragged on occasion that I hadn’t eaten meat (other than our backyard fresh eggs) for days. In terms of the Standard American Diet (ahem, SAD), I was pretty much on track. But even when I was working out 4x+ a week, I’d see some results that never really stuck around. A lot of yo-yo-ing going on.

On Halloween we had a group over and I indulged in Goldfish crackers, hummus and a couple cookies. It was the first time I had consumed more than bite or two of grains and sugars in two months. I immediately felt like shit, and felt even worse the next day. I felt like I was getting the flu and I actually felt depressed. And I’ve never been a depressed person! The affect of that seemingly small (and “normal”) binge really put things into perspective.

But this feels solid. Sustainable. I don’t feel like I’m being denied anything. I don’t have crazy cravings. My body is working so much more efficiently than it ever has before because it’s functioning as it evolved to function. And I’m more excited about it than anything else I’ve ever done. If prompted I will go off on a paleo tangent, and have talked people’s ears off on the subject (sorry Sean, dad, mom, etc…). I read multiple paleo-related blogs on a daily basis. I now own four paleo/primal based books. I know way more about how my body absorbs and processes nutrients than ever before. I’m much more mindful as to how my body feels and how I treat it in return.  It’s just that good.

Plus? All the information you really need is free online. It’s not some fad diet where a few people who invented it are making money off of copyrights and meal plans and workout regimes. There are no pyramid schemes (except for that handy dandy food pyramid up there). And it’s not so much a fad diet as it is based upon how we ate for tens of thousands of years before agriculture. If you put the entire history of homo sapiens on a football field, 99 yards would be pre-agricultural revolution, and that last yard would be the last 10,000 years since. That last yard saw us moving less, eating more grains, and starting to consume sugars. The last inch or less is our more recent, much more sedentary lifestyle stuffed with an ever increasing amount of processed foods and carbohydrates. Then people wonder why are so many people obese. But here I go on tangents again…

If you’re intrigued and want to learn more, here are a few helpful links.
Nerd Fitness and its very approachable Beginners’ Guide to the Paleo Diet
Definitive Guide to the Primal Blueprint, from the ever-so-wise Mark Sisson
Also from Mark Sisson, the Primal Eating Plan
Robb Wolf’s FAQ on Paleo

As I fumbled through my purse to find a business card to give to a visiting distributor yesterday afternoon, I realized I had left my wallet in my gym bag the night before. Well shitballs, I thought, there go my plans for errands after work.

Then all these things happened that made me forget I didn’t have my wallet. Plans to see a concert that evening started to fall through, I had a beer with my dad after work at the pub, all these crazy plot twists were happening in my audiobook, and then Sean got a pizza for dinner. I love pizza dearly, but since I started eating paleo, pizza is a no no. So, pouty, I hatched a scheme to get a rotisserie chicken, spinach and avocados from the grocery store not far from our house.

I picked up the greasy but delicious smelling chicken-in-a-bag, dreaming of using its leftovers for a rad homemade chicken soup, as well as the other items and halfway to the register remembered I don’t have my wallet. Shit. I went and put everything back and just as I had set down the last avocado remembered I had my checkbook. I… think I can still use these for things other than bills?

So I picked everything back up again, waited in line for what seemed like ages, and confirmed with the checker (is that what they’re called?) that I could pay with a check. She bagged up everything as I got a pen and like a grandma, scrawled out all the necessary information, trying not to move at a grandmother’s pace. When the checkout ladygirl ran it through the machine, it beeped a “NEED PHOTO ID” in green text. Fuck.

She knew my plight, and knew I couldn’t do anything about it. “I know my ID’s number by heart though!” “Sorry,” she said. “I need to see ID.” I looked down at my checks, my address in The Dalles still on them, and felt the bitter taste of defeat and not the savory, delicious taste of chicken. “So… I guess I’m not getting my groceries then.” She tried to be nice about it. “Maybe you could come back when you get your wallet?” I mumbled a “Man, that’s kind of a pain in the ass. Thanks anyway,” and left with a flush on my face, feeling like a meth dealer trying to get away with forging checks for Sudafed.

I came home, pouted to Sean, who thought it was adorable, and made myself a paleo dinner while he merrily ate his pizza. And then I stole a slice and ate most of it. Hey man, 80/20 rule, and if I couldn’t have my rotisserie chicken, goddammit I’m having some of this motherfucking take and bake pizza.

(It wasn’t worth it, btw. Cold pizza FTW.)

Despite the feeling that we’ve been gipped months and months of hot, sunny weather, I’ve somehow managed to cram in a lot of diverse, sunny fun in the past few weeks.

I brewed beer for the first time with other beer loving ladies…

That's me, gloved up, straining the malt grains for our LOLA Hibiscus IPA

We drove into the middle of nowhere for the fantastic, intimate and scenic Schoolhouse Rock festival.

View as we were leaving, the historic schoolhouse on the left, Mt. Hood in the background.

I gave Diego a mullet.

This is me trying to not let his hair blow into my mouth. Diego, waking and sobering up the next morning: "I have a MULLET??!! A guy that looks like me should not have a MULLET!!"

We hosted our first barbeque at the new place for the 4th of July.

Not included in this photo: bocce ball tournaments, Osama Bin Laden fireworks, barbecue grill

We got two new chickens and were completely surprised with a beauty of a chicken coop from my dad’s girlfriend Bobbie.

Nora, the scatterbrained Polish crested hen, and Nimbly, the bullyer who loves to be held Araucana

Adorable primary colors!

I made a men’s size 3XL white t-shirt into a disposable dress at a friend’s “Dirty Thirty” birthday party. The messy foods brought by the horde expectedly evolved into a big ol’ food fight.

And that's defintiely a can of OG Four Loko.

We got engaged.

Sean and I walked with in the Oregon Brewers Festival Parade together for the first time, followed up by a drunk day at the fest. For me with was a day of work (rough, eh?), for him it was a vacation day taken to drink beer and sleep under trees along Portland’s waterfront park.

Another day in the office.

SLEEPY BOY!

We brought our families together for an awesome evening of dinner at drinks at our wedding venue. (pssst: now 364 days away)

View to the east from the gorgeous grounds where we're gittin' hitched.

Strippers did a really shitty job washing my car.

At least it benefited the Humane Society. And it was strippers washing my car.

I embarked upon my first mountain backpacking trip with my dad and stepsister up the 10,040′ Middle Sister mountain.

We took over 300 photos over the 3 days of this trip. It was *that* scenic and fun.

The crew at base camp before we schlepped back on our heavy packs and headed downhill.

I attended my first kickboxing fights.

Sean's teammate on the left, in the Impact JJ trunks, handily won that fight.

We also had our engagement party at Sean’s folks’ lovely home, attended many BBQs and gave up (read: never started) watering our lawn. I also got way into hot yoga, started eating a mostly paleo diet (minus the occasional beer, because dammit it’s my job) and am down some lbs in an attempt to lose 30 before I turn 30 next summer (which coincides nicely with getting married).

What’s next? Well today I won two tickets for tonight’s Decemberists, Okkervil River and AgesandAges show at McMenamin’s Edgefield, so that was a spur of the moment awesomeness. The weather is brilliant for an outdoor concert, too. Tomorrow we’re screening the UFC fights on a projector screen in our backyard while barbecuing with a group of friends. Next weekend we’re heading up to Seattle for the Bumbershoot music and arts festival. My annual frolicking in the hops fields for work is coming up, as is a family and friend sojourn up Mt. Hood for a weekend in the historic Cloud Cap cabin.

In other words, despite few days in the 90s or higher, I don’t think I have much to gripe about.

That’s right, they’ve become another asshole brick in a thinly veiled pyramid scheme.

The thing that almost irks me more than often uber expensive healthy living scams is that these people, those acquaintances (or, you sorry bastard, your family) are actually trying to improve their life and others. Their status updates are nothing but inspirational quotes and pictures. The over-usage of the Papyrus font is staggering in the inspirational picture genre. THEY’RE JUST TRYING TO HELP. So you can’t exactly deride them for improving the world right? Because that makes you the cynical asshole?

I abstain most of the time. But sometimes the delusion, blatant misinformation and bogus science has me smoking up my keyboard with barely contained, high pressure loathing. There are several on my list so you can imagine the incredible willpower I’ve developed. I heard a study recently that the happiest people are often the most delusional, and I think that certainly applies here. Putting all your health and happiness into products that were invented by these “real people” (read: white dude sitting in a mansion, tan as shit, impeccable smile, hates his wife, bones the maid, pays off spokescelebrities) who play off of your need to believe and have you spend all your time growing their empire of lies so you all can “HELP PEOPLE.”

You know what will truly help people’s health and happiness and cost 100% less?

Eat (real) food. Not too much. Mostly plants. (thank you Michael Pollan) That and fucking MOVE MORE. Drink some water. That’s it. That’s your billion dollar idea right there, and all it takes is a trip to the grocery store and getting up off your ass.

It might not make you a million dollars, but then again you might become hot enough to land a millionaire whose swimmable vault of money (I’m lustily eying you, Scrooge McDuck) came directly from his own healthy living pyramid scheme.

Source.

Source.